Should My Child Have A Phone?

It’s that time of the year again where many parents are asking whether their child should have a phone or not. It needs to be clear that this question falls in the realm of Romans 14 and Christian freedom. My job is not to make your decision. My job is to help you think through certain questions and facts to help you come to your own decision.

I have my own personal opinions but, let’s be honest, I’m sure that by the time I have teenagers that my opinions might change. Also, who knows what the newest technology will be in 15 years? The point of this is to help you think about what a phone does, how necessary is a phone for you child, and what can be accessed through a phone. I will offer some wisdom based on what I have seen other parents do well in and what I have seen that doesn’t work very well. In all this, I am speaking from experience of looking at our own students from close up for 5 years, from looking at another church’s students for 2 years (the church I was at before coming to POPC), and from hearing countless accounts from other youth workers across the country. This is also taking into account the rising stats in youth culture from books such as Jean Twenge’s seminal work iGen. For another helpful article by Jean Twenge, check out “Have Smartphones Destroyed a Generation?”

The question is not: Are phones bad or good? We also shouldn’t be going to the extreme and never letting them get acquainted with a cell phone. Sooner or later, they will and they need to know how to rule over it (Gen. 1:28). It’s not about saying no to everything in the world. It’s about showing them how to tame the things in the world through a gospel-centered worldview. If we are going to help prepare our kids for college, where they will have complete access to everything, then we need to think wisely about how we prepare them for the use of technology.

Ask Yourself…

1. Is this the right time for my particular child?
   Don’t look at what other kids are doing. Think about your particular child in their particular situation. Your child will certainly give you the “but so-and-so has a phone” speech. Matter of fact, they will most certainly hound you with that speech. You need to hold strong and ask if this is the right time for your child (not what others are doing). You need to ask if this is the right time for this particular child of yours. Are they ready?

2. What kind of phone should they start out with?
   Learning to use a phone is like learning how to build and maintain a fire. It wouldn’t be wise to hand your child a can of gasoline when they’re first learning how to build a fire. Sin is worse than a physical fire and it burns much worse. Kids are getting burned by sin coming by the use of cell phones constantly. It might be wise to start them out slow. Make them earn your trust. Maybe start them out with a “dumb phone”. Maybe start them out with an iPod that can text on Wifi. Figure out what works for you and your family. Plus, it might not be most wise to break the bank buying the latest smartphone. What kind of precedent with that show your child? Speaking from experience, I have seen many students (at several different churches, including ours) fall into grievous sin because their first phone was a smartphone that had no restrictions on it. These kids are not those who grow up in godless homes. They are the kids who have godly parents and care about their children. All kids are totally depraved. Anyone is capable of any sin, including those in godly homes. It is very sad to see students who have hardened their hearts and draw away from the church because of the sin that they indulge in via their cell phones.

3. What restrictions should they have on their phone?
   One night at a session meeting, I was giving a presentation on youth culture to the elders. One elder asked me about phones and what restrictions worked. Another elder then asked, “Should my child have a dumb phone at first?” I decided to answer by giving a visual example.
   In front of the whole session, I opened up my phone for them all to see. I showed them that I didn’t have any Web Browser on my phone. I didn’t have Safari, Google Chrome, or even Covenant Eyes. I didn’t even have access to the App Store to download one of those apps. There is not a single app on my phone that will take you to a Web Browser. So, it seemed.
   I opened up a harmless app—the Premier League Soccer app. I scrolled to the bottom of the app where there was a hyperlink to Twitter. Once again, I don’t have Twitter on my phone. I don’t even have a Twitter account anymore. Regardless, when I clicked the link, a window opened up within the app that gave me access to Twitter. From there, I could search any profile I wanted and even get to Google so that I could search all that I wanted. There is no web blocker that could keep a history of what I look at. There was nothing stopping me from getting there. And the kids know how to do this.
   Here is the thing: You can do this on many apps. The kids know how to do this too. So, why do I tell you this? I tell you this to remind you that restrictions are important. Do not neglect restrictions. But, restrictions can’t keep everything out. Kids are so smart with how to work around an app to get to the Internet. As a youth staff, we are constantly hearing about how kids can get around the latest restrictions.
   This is what you need to keep in mind. Merely having restrictions on your child’s phone won’t change their heart. You need to pray that the gospel changes their heart. It’s not enough merely to put up restrictions and never check their phone. You need to be asking them questions and taking up their phone to look at what’s going on. Don’t give them any warning about it. Their conscience is going to be the ultimate restriction. If their conscience isn’t bound by the gospel then they will find a way to get to what their sinful heart wants.

   By the way, don’t forget that they know their friends who don’t have restrictions and they can see things off their phone too.

4. Should I let them have their phone in their room at night?
   Based on what we’ve seen and when kids typically look at pornography, send or receive nude pictures, or send scandalous messages, I would say that it’s not wise to let your child keep their phone in their room at night by themselves. You know your child but make sure you don’t forget that temptation is very powerful and can attack any child. It only takes one image to cause someone to lust. It only takes one suggestive picture, video, or song to send them down a trail hunting for my teasing images that lead to sin.
   Nowadays, students don’t have to ask for nude pictures. In many cases, they just appear in your inbox. It’s crazy, but this is happening and it’s happening with people you least expect it from.
   My advice would be that you take your child’s phone up at night. It not only protects them from temptation but it also helps them rest. I cannot tell you the last student I have come across who tells me that they consistently get 8 hours of sleep at night (which is the minimum of sleep they should be getting at their age). More often, students are getting only 4-6 hours of sleep. Matter of fact, it’s seen as a bragging right to other students if you only sleep 2-4 hours a night! It makes you look like people always want to talk with you or that you work really hard. Taking up your child’s phone at night will help them sleep. Sleep will help them battle against anxiety and despair.
   For many different reasons, take their phone up at night and put it in a place where they can’t just come out of their room to get it. That’s my advice. Whether you do it or not is up to you and we are not to judge. My advice is to think wisely about how to help your child most.

Conclusion

It’s helpful to ask what other parents are doing. It would be good to ask many parents what they’re doing. Don’t try to copy and paste what someone else is doing into your family but think about how those good practices might be applied to where your family is and what they’re going through. Some will be more strict and some will be more relaxed. Be careful when you make judgments. Wrestle with every view, including mine, and figure out if it works for your family or not. The biggest thing is to be thoughtful with your child’s eternal soul. It is not to be taken lightly.

If you have any suggestions or insights, send them my way. I would love to continue the conversation with you. If you think I’m wrong, then please come sharpen me as someone who is trying to help parents out with their children. We need to continue to learn from y’all! We would welcome your feedback on ways in which you think you have done it well and not so well as it comes to technology.

But, remember this: There is grace for failures. All of us are going to fail in this realm. We are not immune to this. You need to remember that even if you failed there is grace and redemption for you. You have to remember this or your failures will bury you with guilt and shame. There is forgiveness, cleansing, and new life in Christ. Run to Him!